i started this year as an ocean wave. i waxed and waned with the moon and my heart beating in my chest was the only consistency i had in my life. i started this year exhausted from all of the years that came before. i started this year doubtful, despite my long-lasting hope.
in february, i began to walk on land. i decided i wanted to try again, all over again, and breathing and living and swimming wasn’t as bad as it had been and that was enough.
it was enough.
in march, the world changed and so did mine.
no longer could i walk on land, the ground slipping out from underneath me as i was pulled back in by the ocean who tried to drown me. there was no consistency. i was not even a wave.
the moon could not control me.
the time after that is a single straight line that i walked on as carefully as i could. if i made one wrong step, i’d slip and fall. i wasn’t sure there would be a bottom if i did. i couldn’t risk it. so i didn’t.
the straight line soon turned into a thin piece of string that i wanted to sew into a blanket on the bed i spent most of my time. i am safe in my bed. i do not exist. i do not exist.
i could not control me.
there were times, though, in this year that i came up for air. just long enough to laugh loudly with those i hold dear, but not long enough that i could breathe or blink on my own. and, well.
it’s the end of the year now and it feels as if nothing has changed. i am the same as i was at the beginning. i am an ocean wave but i am not. i am walking the tightrope but i am drowning. i am —
but then i look in the mirror and my hair is longer than before. i am wearing clothes i bought in october with my roommate who told me i could i could i can. and my cat, who now has a friend, plays in the background, happier than before.
i am not the same as i was in the beginning.
but still. i hope next year is better. for both myself.
and for the world.
— Dianna Morales
Illustration By: Rachel Freeman, @re_yichella
Morales, D. (2021). a single straight line. The Rhizomatic Revolution Review , (2). https://ther3journal.com/issue-2/a-single-straight-line
Morales, Dianna. “‘a single straight line.’” The Rhizomatic Revolution Review , no. 2, 2021, https://ther3journal.com/issue-2/a-single-straight-line.
A single straight line by Dianna Morales is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.
© Dianna Morales 2021