SUPPLEMENTAL STORIES
The views, information, or opinions expressed in this essay are solely those of the creator(s) and do not necessarily represent the official policy or position of The Rhizomatic Revolution Review [20130613] or its members.
I have been asked, “Why do you love BTS?” many times. While I want to explain how they’ve fundamentally changed my life, I usually just start by telling people about their music. BTS’s lyrics have been a guiding force in my life, so I had to include their words while sharing my story. The song references are in purple and are either titles, direct lyric translations, or references to their lyrics.
I’m the one I should love in this world¹
I found BTS four months into the pandemic shutdown. My job was killing me physically and mentally. I was sleeping four to five hours and eating one meal a day, but I couldn’t bring myself to quit. I had a promotion on the way, but it was at a company I hated. Wasn’t I achieving the American dream? It felt like I was slowly destroying myself, but I didn’t know how to stop the destruction. I had a series of bad jobs and thought this is just what life is like. It’s a never-ending song loop of ♪ work suffer ♪ work suffer ♪ and the stop button can’t be hit until retirement in 30 more years. When I heard Jin sing, “I just wanna be happier²” for the first time, I cried. The ground did feel heavier², but with BTS, I didn’t feel like I was singing by myself². Maybe it was time for the song loop to stop. Maybe it was time for me to be happier. As the months went by, BTS’s music gave me the perspective, inspiration, and strength to start loving myself—to start re-defining myself.
“Ma City³” that never was
I was born in Seoul, South Korea, as Noh Hyeon Kyeong. At four months old, I was adopted to the United States and left the land of my birth. As I was greeted by my new family, Noh Hyeon Kyeong disappeared from my reflection and Gina Bacon replaced her.
As I look into my “Reflection,” I wish I could love myself⁴
I am Korean and my family is a mix of Western European (aka: white). I’ve lived only in white areas where no one looks like me. Growing up, I never felt connected to my Korean heritage and resented people who shamed me for not knowing the Korean language or belittled me for not being “Asian” enough. When people see me, they make assumptions about who I am. They assume I have Asian parents and can speak a different language. But, I don’t have Asian parents and can’t speak a different language. Besides stereotypes like being good at math or eating spicy food, what does it mean to be Asian? I never felt or understood what that meant but would be called “white-washed” by my peers and get shamed by strangers, regardless of their race. My Korean body was always a source of shame, self-hatred, guilt, and pain. As an adult, I never felt proud to be Korean. I didn’t have a connection to Korea. I wanted my reflection to show my Caucasian father’s blue eyes or my mother’s light brown hair, not the features of my biological family that I’ll never meet. Then, at 34 years old, I found BTS.
I was taken over by the sound of the pipes⁵
During a road trip in June 2020, I visited a friend in a different state. We heard that a group called BTS had donated one million dollars to the Black Lives Matter movement and thought we should check them out. It was during the beginning of the pandemic, so we weren’t planning on going anywhere or doing anything. We started watching their music videos and over the course of two days, we spent 11 hours consuming BTS content. I loved everything I saw, but once I watched their SNL performance of “Mic Drop,” I was in and my life changed forever. In January 2021, I quit my job and embarked on a new, unknown path.
I was reminded that when the world feels like another name for despair⁶, “You Never Walk Alone⁷”
BTS’s music resonated with me. Their songs moved me. Their lyrics changed me. And the members looked like me. They looked Korean. We had the same dark eyes and same natural black hair—my “Koreanness” was being reflected back at me. I felt seen. I wasn’t alone. At 34 years old, I felt proud to be Korean for the first time in my life. I needed to know more about Korea—about the country that I and these seven men all came from. I needed a change and I needed to change. I needed to start loving myself. I needed to re-define myself.
Like there is a bright morning arriving after a dark night, there will be a bright light shining on you when tomorrow arrives, so don’t worry about a thing⁸
When I thought about how far I had climbed the career ladder and what I was giving up, BTS told me that it’s okay to pause. There’s no need to run without knowing the reason. It’s okay not to have a dream as long as there are your moments to briefly feel happiness⁹. BTS gave me comfort by reminding me that this is not a stop, but a pause for a brief rest in your life¹⁰. I needed to hear that. I needed happiness. I needed to stop running. I needed to rest. I needed to hear how important it is to love yourself, but also how hard it is to love yourself. Now, at 37 years old, I feel the bright light and continue to learn how to radiate the light of self-love. BTS started me on the journey in 2020 and after three years of having them in my life, my galaxy’s stars shine¹¹ brighter than ever.
Finding “Paldogangsan¹²”
In August 2021, I moved to South Korea to learn about my birthplace, my heritage, and my unexplored and forgotten identity as Noh Hyeon Kyeong. I didn’t know how to pronounce my name until I moved there. It took me 35 years to know the true name my Korean birth mother gave to me and I wouldn’t know it without BTS. I wouldn’t have lived in Korea without BTS. I wouldn’t feel pride in being Korean without BTS. I wouldn’t have started to love all of myself without BTS. Before, I hated that I wasn’t at a certain level in my career, hated being Asian, and hated my body. They helped me re-define how I see myself. When I looked at my reflection in the past, I hated seeing my eyes and my flat nose. Now when I look at my reflection, I see a Korean woman who is proud of where she came from. Before BTS, I knew very little about Korea. They inspired me to live there, and now, it feels like another home. BTS gave me that gift and I am forever, ever, ever, ever¹³ changed.
Song references (in order):
Epiphany¹
Blue & Grey²
Ma City³
Reflection⁴
Pied Piper⁵
Reflection⁶
You Never Walk Alone⁷
Tomorrow⁸
Paradise⁹
Tomorrow¹⁰
Mikrokosmos¹¹
Paldogangsan¹²
Epilogue: Young Forever¹³
Creator Statement
“Why do I love BTS?”
While I want to explain how they’ve fundamentally changed my life, I usually just start by telling people about their music. Their music, after all, is what got me going down the never-ending rabbit hole. I first listened to BTS’s discography on a solo road trip and while I didn’t understand the lyrics, I fell in love with every single song. I drove for over 20 hours and didn’t want the car ride to end. Once I read what they were singing and rapping about (thanks to all the ARMY translators), I felt seen and understood. They were telling me that I’m not alone, it’s okay to pause, and I need to love myself… they were telling me things that I didn’t know I needed to hear. BTS’s lyrics have been a guiding force in my life, so I had to include their words while sharing my story. As I wrote this piece, I remembered some of the lyrics that helped me heal, inspired me to change, and made an impact on how I define myself.
— Gina Bacon
Gina is a Korean adoptee, sci-fi nerd, nature-enthusiast, and ARMY. (USA)
Illustration By: Anonymous
Acknowledgements
Doolset Lyrics (https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/) for my use of their lyric translations.
References
Doolset Lyrics. (n.d.). Doolset Lyrics. Retrieved May 21, 2023, from https://doolsetbangtan.wordpress.com/
Suggested Citations
APA Citation
Bacon, G. (2023). A Re-flection: How BTS Helped Me Re-define Myself. The Rhizomatic Revolution Review [20130613], (4). https://ther3journal.com/issue-4/a-re-flection-how-bts-helped-me-re-define-myself/(opens in a new tab)
MLA Citation
Bacon, Gina. “A Re-flection: How BTS Helped Me Re-define Myself.” The Rhizomatic Revolution Review [20130613], no. 4, 2023, https://ther3journal.com/issue-4/a-re-flection-how-bts-helped-me-re-define-myself/(opens in a new tab).
A Re-flection: How BTS Helped Me Re-define Myself by Gina Bacon is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International License.
@ CC Gina Bacon 2023